#especially since my symptoms got better just a few days ago and I've been normal and energetic for the past few days

[james-march]

I love thinking that maybe I can go to work today and not miss fucking three weeks of it but then I feel like crap in the morning again and can't go or risk getting sick fucking again

[placesyoucallhome]

okay so where have I been? Actually sick, but for the most part it's all the same sick, all the same sick as I've been since 2020, it just got worse.

ranting under a cut because I'm just venting at this point-

I got covid in like, February of 2020, early early, before doctors even thought covid was in my state early and sure as hell weren't diagnosing it. And to be fair, I didn't even got in, or bother telling anyone, because I thought it was a little headcold, barely coughed, just sniffly and tired, though the lack of taste was... odd. I didn't think anything of it, thought I just lost my sense of smell due to sniffles.

Then I didn't ever get better.

Honestly I thought I was losing my mind, I suddenly was sleeping 14+ hours a day, making dinner was an ordeal because I was exhausting just standing for minutes at a time, I couldn't work, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I didn't connect any dots until months later when my taste finally came back, that that was a symptom, and that for some people it just never gets better.

So for a while that's all I have to work with, there's no relief, no cure. Not until the vaccine anyways, and some people with long covid find relief, symptoms lessening or even going away entirely! I'm one of those, thank fuck, my fatigue lessens enough that I can get part time work again at least. And that's where I'm at for a while. I'm not at where I was before, but man, at least it's something.

Cut to a bit over a month ago, I get another cold, and... I don't recover. I'm shoved right back to where I was in 2020, and now with vertigo enough to make me nauseous at the drop of a hat and brain fog that makes thinking feel like a sisyphusian ordeal, fun! At least it's not loss of taste again. I sort out the veritgo with some supplements, but my fatigue and and the worst brain fog of my life are lingering, and at this point I'm gods damn desperate for this to not be reality for the next handful of years or more. SO. Research.

I try a few options, not much works, not until I stumble on a side blurb somewhere about antihistamines helping. I look some more, some people are completely reset to normal on them! Fuckin I might as well try right? I've never taken claritin I don't have allergies how would I have known?

And it fucking works

It was like night and day after one dose! No brainfog! My energy slowly comes back too! No vertigo! Holy shit!

Except my sinuses are actively killing me. To be fair, my sinuses never actually worked properly, they just don't drain. And now it feels like there is a solid mass of mucus in there that isn't budging, and my throat is raw because it's making me snore on top of that. Cool. cool cool cool. Apparently there's a known issue of antihistamines causing mucus in the sinuses to just not hydrate and essentially gunk up everything.

And that's where I'm at. My choices are- keep taking antihistamines and be able to stay away and think and just deal with the constant sinus migraines (or take sinus meds constantly on top of all that), OR- drop the antihistamines and deal with fatigue and brainfog, I can then consider a low histamine diet. What is a low histamine diet? Fucking torture. It's not even terribly healthy because it cuts out so many nutrients, and you aren't supposed to be on it for more than a month or so at a time, and I'd need to be on it for 6.

What is a low histamine diet? Amongst other things, no spices, no deli/coldcut meats, no spinach, no tomatoes, no cheese, no SOY SAUCE ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I cannot stress how much my diet revolves around tomatoes and soy especially, I wouldn't be allowed anything savory or spiced or fermented for SIX MONTHS.

So it's not looking likely.

So I'm at an impasse, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about it yet. probably ease off the claritin for a while and see if my sinuses recover and try again?

Anyways I had mac and cheese tonight and only cried a little bit.

[schizosupport]

Hi!! I dont know where else to go but im suspecting i may be on the schizo spectrum? Or at least just wondering way too hard. And i have no where to look into more trustworthy specifics besides brief nformation about the common disorders (that i dont really think i fit into at all btw but then again im undiagnosed with everything so im forced to rawdog it and come to conclusions on my own) and no where to find information about specific symptoms that can be overlooked as "normal behavior"

I have psychosis and its been like this since 2018, slowly growing, getting more intense i guess especially during a traumatic event that happened a few years ago *really* increased my delusions. Thats the only primary thing i experience i believe, but now looking back i am unsure if i experience some level of hallucinations as well like thinking im seeing flies n such fly around me trying to bother me or bugs crawling near me in the corner of my eye. Though it may be because im sleepy or something as i like to stay up a lot! And maybe because ive dealt with annoying flies one too many times that im just paranoid abt dealing w them now.

this thought has been on my mind for a while (mainly speaking in terms of hallucinations) but recently i saw a post on twitter about someone asking if other people "have intense fear of monsters or the dark" before going into deph about how her brain is constantly afraid of her life will turn into a horror movie. Like "what if a zombie breaks into my house" and her brain imagining scary scenarios that genuinely terrify her when she does anything. And reading that sounds very familar to something ive experienced even to this day, esp if im alone at night or alone n looking into another room thats dimly lit.

I really do understand her fear of closing her eyes n seeing scary scenarios. Ive noticed ive weirdly been seeing stuff too, mainly faces and eyes that i would see when watching analog horror and it *really* terrifies me and makes me think that ive somehow spawned it in real life (esp if i think about it too much)

Sorry if this is too long. I normally do this when im rly stumped abt whatever brain thing i got n no google search can help me. I guess im just lookimg for some insight. Thanks! <3

"Also forgot to clarify that the person is recently discovering/coming to terms with that shes schizospec too so thats why upon reading that im pretty much going "....huh!" Bec this implies this may not be normal (i mean of course not but. Never really bothered to say or think anything about it until now)"

Hi there anon! I'm glad you're reaching out, and I hope I can help you a little on your way!

What you're describing, intense fear of hypothetical scenarios and "closed eye hallucinations" are both things that I can definitely relate to as constants in my life. I don't have enough information from just this ask to say whether your experiences are full blown delusional/psychotic, but regardless, it sounds like it's taking a toll on you, and have been getting worse. It's common for this type of experience to worsen with stress, so it's no wonder it worsened when you were going through something traumatic.

When I first talked to a psychiatrist about some of my beliefs, they wrote something that I later found kind of interesting, that some of my beliefs were like those of a scared child. As if I had never quite learned how to regulate that type of fear and my imagination would get the better of me. I don't know if your experience is anything like that, but from the way you described it, I thought that might be relatable to you.

The line between fear, anxiety and psychosis can be hard to define. One thing I've learned is that most people with "pure anxiety" are not having anxiety about bizarre or paranoid things, but about more mundane matters that have been blown out of proportion. But obviously there's variability. But I remember when I met my partner of now... 9 years ...? I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet, and we were both like "yeah I have anxiety" and thought we knew what the other meant by that. And then they were confused when I was like "yeah I'm anxious that the spirit of the lamp will steal my soul, and that people are putting poisoned coins in public spaces". But like the anxiety was similar, it's just that the things I was anxious about were odd, I guess.

Anyways, I'm rambling, sorry!

About the images you get when you close your eyes, that is most often described as a type of intrusive thought, and I've also heard people call them "closed eye hallucinations". I get icky and scary images like this sometimes, and it can be really distressing.

I hope your symptoms don't get worse, and I hope you can feel at ease knowing that no matter the exact cause or name, you are definitely not alone with having these experiences, and they are common experiences for people on the schizospec and people with some other related difficulties.

And if you find that you relate to the schizospec experience, there's space enough for everyone, and you are welcome here. Even if you don't fit any specific disorders or you conclude that your symptoms are "sub-clinical" or more related to something else, I believe in an open door policy and I think anyone with this type of experience can benefit from spending time in/with the community, and can bring unique insights to the table themselves.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm super tired today, but yeah that's my two cents I guess ^^

Edit: It might give you some insight to look into other symptoms associated with the schizo-spec, like negative symptoms, cognitive symptoms and ipseity disturbances :) I think that will give you a stronger idea of whether you are likely to relate to most of us 🌼

[skzoologist]

The weather has been very uh,,,flaky ig is the word I'll use this time round 💀 we had a day where the day started off at 32°F (0°C) with frost all over the grass and cars and then jumped up to 65°F (18°C) so that was an experience 🧍 but I'm doing my best to stay warm! Bundling up in many many layers <3 glad to hear that the weather where you are has been nice!!

Thank you 😭😭 I wish you luck in your classes when they start up again!!

Ooh you danced too? 👀 What did you dance? :O

The festival was great! But it was really loud and there were lots of ppl which kinda got overwhelming after a bit ^^;

I think I caught it from my friend who stayed over a couple nights last week 😭 cuz no one else around me in any of my classes had any symptoms 😭😭

I'm close enough to my parents that they decided to just deliver me a bunch of food and medicine when I found out 😭 I'm mostly fine now, just still a bit congested and coughing a bit although my throat still doesn't feel all that great 🧍I should be mostly fine by the end of the week though,,,hopefully 🤞

I hope that the docs figure it out and that you feel better soon 😭😭 glad to hear that Luna's surgery went well and that she's feeling better! Also happy to hear your family member is recovering well!!

Don't worry ab updating Unfamiliarity, Jinnie 😭, we understand!! 💕

- 🐹

Oh yeah, these big jumps in the weather are deadly, we just don't start from that cold here. Not going to lie, I wish it was a bit colder, I miss being able to bundle up in a blanket without cooking myself alive...

Yeah, well, I need to succeed in my entrance exam first that is probably in may 💀 But thank you.

Ah, well, at a very young age I danced traditional dances, but it wasn't my style so I changed to group dances, where we also danced some tango, waltz, these type of traditional dances. But after a few years our teacher got really strict and competitive, so we all left the group collectively, since it was no fun anymore. And after that, I haven't danced, because I have no one to dance with and my anxious self doesn't wanna go alone. Even though it would do my dying body good too...

That is something I dislike about festivals, the crowd and how overwhelming they can get. Glad you still had fun though!

Oh! Glad that your parents are close enough to take care of you. Still, take it easy, this thing is hard to get rid of.

Yeah, well, I've been living with this for a year now almost, docs always end up saying it's allergy or stress or just my nerves. And then I'm supposed to act normal and polite after that 😃 Anyway, yes, at least the others in my family are doing good now.

Eh, do you guys though? I truly know how frustrating it is when a fic you enjoy goes on a long hiatus, especially when the author is still alive and responding, just not writing. I originally wanted to finish the story last year, write the remaining chapters while I slowly post the written ones here. That was nearly a year ago...

[meditating-dog-lover]

Health

I got a cold 2 days ago and I feel better now. Just some stuffiness/congestion and a scratchy throat and sneezing.

I do take vitamin D daily and my levels based on my bloodwork is 60+, which is great. Since I started taking it I barely get sick and when I do, I recover very quickly and my symptoms are mild.

I'm a huge believer in the idea that micronutrients boost our health tremendously, as well as good gut health, a healthy liver, good mental health, and balanced hormones. I will continue to take my supplements.

I got my allergy shots today and I can't wait to see improvement in my allergy symptoms. Environmental allergies are one of the root causes of my eczema. Genetics and stress the are other 2. My skin is still inflamed in some areas but it is so much better than before. Limiting my exposure to my dog does help even though I love her and want to cuddle her often. My seb derm routine and zoryve/bendaryl help too. Allergy shots will take a while to work. Avoiding clothing with wool, cashmere and alpaca helps too. The test I did only tested for cats and dogs and horses, but I could be allergic to those as well.

I do have random spots of redness and hives on my body. They'll get better. I'm really looking forward to feeling better in a few months.

I'm eating well and have not been binging this week. I won't give myself a hard time because PMS hunger is normal, especially after coming out of 5 days of 18-6 post-ovulation. I had some cookies yesterday, but 2 small ones. I also got a peppermint mocha but didn't drink it because I thought the cookies were enough of a treat. So I'll save that for later, maybe tomorrow. Ideally before my period because this is the best time to indulge. I'm walking and I'm active.

Taking a break from fasting the week before my period and enjoying foods will make fasting less difficult, because I'm creating a balance and letting myself take a break from something that is a bit strict, but has so many health benefits. I'll see how I plan on fasting days 1-10. Today is day 27. I'm also having a snack that contains fat and carbs in the morning. I feel like it keeps me way more satiated than a banana.

I'm also taking a spoonful of flax oil during the last week of my cycle to make menstrual cramps less painful. I do want to look into potent omega sources, preferably plant based ALA because I've seen more benefits from those than EPA and DHA from fish. It kind of does help reduce my skin inflammation but not so much the allergy component. I feel it is more helpful for cramps. I do eat foods that naturally contain omega-3 but I want something more potent.

I can't wait to heal even more. I am now helping my dog with his health because of his recent cancer diagnosis.

[th-ramblr]

[Baldur's Gate 3] - Squidhawk #8

[Cross-posted on AO3]

Halsin was treading on thin ice with how he refused to leave, but if there was one good thing Kytes could say about him, its that he honored his word when he said he'd keep up some distance.

Was it the amount of distance Kytes wanted? No. But it was better than everyone else so far, who had carelessly tried to manhandle him at every turn. It was far enough away that he was never at risk of being touched were Halsin to reach out a hand towards him.

Kytes coughed into his palm a few times, feeling short on breath as his heart hammered too hard in his chest from anxiety.

Give him goblins and ogres any day. At least nobody cared if he stabbed them in the throat. But 'civilized' folk? He could live a million years never seeing them and it still wouldn't be long enough, but township living was the only way he knew how to get by. He wasn't an outdoorsman and he didn't have enough skills in any trade to have access to all he needed that other people normally made.

He would never live long enough for learning those trades to matter, anyway, as his body was currently reminding him. Bile rose in the back of his throat, and he wiped it away on the back of his hand, breathing a touch labored.

"I think this is far enough," Halsin declared, surveying the small clearing they had ended up in, already setting to work on building a campfire. If Kytes had been thinking far enough ahead, he would have brought a sleeping bag with him, but he'd have to make do with the ground.

Halsin noticed him pressing a palm to his chest as the druid moved about and settled in, watching carefully. "Are you hurting? Perhaps I might have a healing spell that can alleviate your pain."

Kytes waved him off, having been down this road plenty enough times before to know that there was no magic anywhere that could fix what was wrong with him.

"Won' ma'er. 's born si'-ck."

"I see..." Halsin hummed sympathetically as Kytes took a seat, dropping down heavily with his hand still on his chest. "I had some suspicions... but I couldn't have been sure. Especially not with already dealing with that thing in your head," he gestured with a random stick, before using the end of it to poke around firewood as it burned. "You seem to have a hard time with language, too. Were you born with that as well?"

Kytes gave him a look, which Halsin read easily enough.

"Forgive my curiosities. I just assume it has to do with something other than these parasites, since its not a symptom I've seen in any of the so-called 'True Souls'."

Kytes sighed, gesturing at his head. "Fell." He emphasized by smacking the back of his hand into the opposite palm. "Long ago. Small. Heal' wrong." A pause, drawing his legs up to his chest and resting his head on his knees, staring half-lidded at the edges of the fire. He was exhausted, and only stubbornness and distrust kept him lucid.

"It must have caused you no small amount of grief, I'd wager," Halsin observed astutely. "And it can be difficult to get some people to listen even at the best of times. Hardly the best of times right now, and that speech impediment mustn't make things much easier for you."

Kytes made no point to entertain the notion. Its something people had noticed time and again before, and he didn't want to give the elf any more ideas. If the other got it in his head that that would make him easy to take advantage of, Halsin would soon enough find a dagger in his throat, bear or no.

When Kytes said nothing, remaining silent, Halsin continued.

"Well, you'll find no judgment from me. You aided me when to you, I was only a bear, even more voiceless than you are to most people, and far more feared and hated. That told me all I needed to know, but then you also showed yourself more than capable dealing with those goblins and their leaders. Anyone would be a fool to think lesser of you after that." Kytes gave him a skeptical look. "Myself included."

Gusting out through his nose, Kytes' gaze trailed away again in silence, finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes open.

"You must be tired though," Halsin noted. "Get some rest. I'll keep watch tonight and see that nothing troubles you."

Much as he wanted to do just the opposite, his body wasn't giving him much choice, almost falling over and barely catching himself. He settled halfway onto his side, halfway on his back, blinking up at the sky with quickly waning attention. The sky above was dark, not like that place where his... alleged protector appeared to him, in that strangely bright void sky.

In that strange place, he could talk as freely as anyone, not worry about how his voice would betray him and inspire everyone else to see him as stupid and incapable. It was the only place he could talk to someone on equal terms.

And yet...

There was still so much he didn't know, including who that man was. What he really wanted. He got the sense the man knew more than he was saying, the way he answered many of his questions while still evading them.

He had no idea where he was, either, and he recalled sharply how panicked the other had been when he asked where he could find him.

But he also remembered the other telling him that it wasn't safe, not that it wasn't possible.

So if that was the case... that meant he was somewhere that Kytes could reach, no matter how strange of a place it seemed like. It didn't look like anywhere Kytes could conceive of, but if the other was actually worried about the possibility of him reaching him... then...

He found himself drifting, head going limp to the side before he shifted half-awake again, with no semblance of how long his eyes had closed. The fire was still crackling nearby, and his sleep-heavy mind took note of Halsin still there, sitting awake but focused elsewhere. So he hadn't made any moves while he was asleep, at least.

He found himself drifting again, but even in sleep, his thoughts were searching.

Searching for the only person he really wanted to speak to right now, his thoughts buzzing with questions he wanted answered, but he found nothing but a quiet void that wouldn't answer back. At the very least, no nightmares wove their way out of that void the entire night that he slept, fitful of a rest that it was.

In some moments, he felt like he was close to finding the one he was looking for, like fingers brushing against fabric that slipped just out of reach as he closed his fingers, until even that sense of dreaming got away from him and he fell into a deeper, dreamless place.

When he awoke, it was already past noon, and at some unknown point he'd ended up in a sleeping bag he didn't remember crawling into, sitting himself up.

"Good morning," Halsin greeted huskily. "You were shivering with cold despite the fire last night, so I hope you don't mind that I brought you something warmer to rest in. I figured it'd be preferred to having me up close to you."

Kytes' eye wandered without much purpose before looking up, taking note that the druid was cooking up some sort of meat on a skewer. It smelled good, at least.

" 's fine," Kytes mumbled, pulling his legs free of it and swiveling to sit cross-legged, rolling his head to either side to stretch his neck with an exhale through his nose and roll his shoulders.

"I hope you were able to rest well. From here on out, things are bound to get more hazardous for the both of us. There is much to be done, and I promised to help you however I could. I'm certain a cure for you could be found at Moonrise Towers, but its... complicated."

He passed a skewer of hot meat across the fire for him, which Kytes leaned in and took, blowing on it to cool it down before daring to try and take a bite.

"The journey, specifically. Its extremely perilous, though it seems you're well-accustomed to navigating danger."

"Sa' all? Jus' go there?" He gestured flippantly with a flick of his wrist.

"What were you expecting?" Halsin huffed. "That I'd mumble a spell or whip out a potion? Don't get ahead of yourself," the druid cautioned, becoming more serious. "There's already plenty danger to be had for those that proceed cautiously. Don't be naive and underestimate the place we're going, thinking it will be anywhere near as easy as anything you've faced up to this point."

Kytes blinked twice in question, tipping his head for Halsin to continue.

"To get to the Towers, you'll need to pass through a terrible place - a cursed place. This curse enshrouds everything in shadow - you will not find life, light, or anything natural there. Any who linger are twisted by the curse; they become shadow beings - tormented, dangerous souls."

Kytes hummed, pondering that as he took a bite out of the meat, chewing on it thoughtfully for a few moments. "Bu' Ab'slu-tt-t--t-tt--tss-----go there fine?" His head tips the other way in question, looking at Halsin inquisitively. "Seems... how?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. I don't know any more than you how they could tolerate such a place, but they must know a way. Regardless, we will have to choose our approach carefully. We could go overland - along the Risen Road or through the mountains. Easier at first, but we'd run into the shadow curse eventually."

More optimistically, he added, "We could instead go under. There is a tunnel somewhere in the ruined temple of Selune, where the goblin camp was. It leads to Moonrise Towers through the Underdark. Long ago, a man called Ketheric Thorm built a secret stronghold deep down there, before rallying a whole army of Dark Justiciars - Shar worshippers. Aradin and his lot were looking for a way down there. They were promised riches if they retrieved a relic called the Nightsong. But I think there's more. From this stronghold, Ketheric's forces could access both the temple of Selune and Moonrise Towers - but he was defeated before he could launch an attack. If you can find this place, I'll wager it will reveal a more direct path to Moonrise Towers, and may even bypass the worst of the shadow curse."

Kytes gave that some more thought, chewing on his food through a few mouthfuls before finally posing, "Wha' 'd you do?"

"Given the two choices, I'd favor the Underdark. Even a place like that is the lesser evil when compared to the shadow-cursed lands."

"Where's i-tt---t-tt?"

"You'll need to pick up where Aradin left off - finding the hidden entrance. Its somewhere within the temple of Selune."

He pondered that through the rest of his food, trying to recall whatever he knew about the Underdark, but there wasn't much. Mostly talk and tales of mysterious caves that were a whole realm unto itself. One that was dark, hard to navigate, and full of subterranean dangers, or so some of the stories went. A lot of stories of missing people, too, unless they were gnomes or dwarves or dark elves - races that comfortably made their homes there.

He wasn't sure he liked that option. Going through the mountains couldn't be that hard, right? At least there would be a road, so he assumed.

"You-----go under------you wan'," he waved off. "I'll go moun'ins."

"You may reconsider once you see the effects of the curse for yourself." Halsin's brows furrowed together, a bit concerned. "But if you're going overland, I'd like to follow and join your camp, if you'll allow me. I can offer my skills... my counsel. I've long sought to return to Moonrise Towers. It seems our fates have aligned." The declaration was made confidently.

Kytes brows in return, squinting his eyes. "Why---you wanna go?"

"Unfinished business, and a lifetime of regret to repair. I helped overthrow Ketheric Thorm and his Dark Justiciars years ago. But I failed to prevent him from unleashing darkness across the region before he was defeated." Halsin spoke it with pain clear in his eyes. "I spent years researching the curse, trying to put an end to it. Nothing has worked - yet. If I can join you and get close to Moonrise, perhaps I can lift this curse, same as you may find a cure for your infection."

Of course Halsin had his own other motives. Just like the man in his head. Wanting to use him to some end of theirs. His expression was less than impressed.

" 's you wen' 'fore? -====find the way-===Moonrise?"

"Precisely. Perhaps then I could have done something about the shadow curse and ceremorphosis aberrations. But in my eagerness, I put far too much faith in the abilities of Aradin and his band. We didn't even get close."

And he was hoping Kytes would get him closer where they failed, he guessed.

"The grove?" Kytes questioned, glancing back in its direction. After all, Halsin had seemed more concerned with it than anything before. Then again, that snake, Kagha, had mentioned something of him chasing after other things and leaving them undefended, so...

"I've chosen a successor as First Druid - Francesca of the High Forest. A bird's already been dispatched to summon her."

"Who?"

"Precisely. Who indeed? You do not know, and neither do any of the others. The grove needs to move beyond the mistakes of the past. What it needs is an unknown quantity; an outsider who can enforce the Oak Father's teachings without bias. This is why I chose Francesca. She will restore simplicity and purity to the grove in my absence."

Whatever all that meant. He just nodded like he understood, but in all honesty, he couldn't care less, beyond Halsin's own motivations and feeling him out better.

"In any case, should we get going?"

Kytes gave a sniff, pushing himself up and starting to dust off and roll his sleeping back to pack away. "Go-----'self."

Halsin's brows furrowed again like earlier. "You don't wish for me to come with you?"

"No."

Halsin hummed, pursing his lips. "It will be quite dangerous, as I said. The both of us would fare better together, and you could most certainly benefit from my experience."

Kytes gave him an unfriendly squint, finishing with the last of rolling up his sleeping bag. "Go 'lone. Do'need you." He shrugged, looking away, puckering his lips out in exasperation. "Fine----my own."

Halsin didn't seem terribly happy with this, an argument clearly twitching at his lips, but the older druid ultimately gave in and smiled amicable, if disappointingly. "As you wish... I suppose it doesn't matter whether we travel together or separately, when we're both heading to the same place. Our paths are sure to cross again some time."

Kytes gave another indifferent shrug, busying himself with packing his things, ignoring the small pinprick of doubt in the back of his thoughts that said maybe he should travel with Halsin.

What would it matter, though? Just because the other was nice to him for a night, it didn't mean anything. He was useful to Halsin, for now. That was all. When he stopped being useful, the elf would just as soon leave him high and dry without another thought about it.

He'd already left others behind that most would see as far more valuable than him, right? With the grove and the other druids? There was no reason then Halsin wouldn't toss him aside just the same as soon as he lost value. There was no point staking his life on that gamble when he already knew the end result.

[spencers-dria]

Trauma

Someone To Stay Ch. 9

Spencer x fem reader

It's been several weeks since Y/N and I started our weekly movie nights. After starting Harry Potter we decided that we would keep watching our way through the series until we finished them. Last week I was out of town on all of her days off, but tonight we get to watch our favorite together, Prisoner of Azkaban. Seeing as we both love Halloween, this doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Last time I had asked to borrow her Harry Potter cookbook. As a surprise I've been cooking pumpkin pasties. I normally don't do much cooking, but this was well worth it. Movie night has become incredibly casual, so i slip into some purple pajama pants and a black t shirt before driving to her apartment. We decided movie nights would all take place at her apartment, seeing as she had the nice TV with a decent sound system. I had previously spent almost all my time reading, so all I had was my mom's old TV tucked away in the corner, only used when I felt the need to binge Dr. Who.

It's not long before i'm knocking at her door, warm snacks ready to go. She opens the door and looks down with a huge grin.

"Are those what I think they are?"

I nod, glad to see she's excited about them. After a moment I notice a pleasant smell wafting from the kitchen.

"You made something too?" I peek my head into the kitchen hoping to discover the source of the scent.

Y/N pulls out two mugs topped with foam, smiling like a giddy little kid. We both take a sip, and I feel the warmth filling me up as I take in the drink that tastes like Autumn in a cup. I've never had butter-beer before, but this is perfect. I look up to see whipped cream coating Y/N's upper lip, and based on the laugh she's holding back, I would guess I am sporting the same foam mustache. We both bust out in laughter. Something about spending time with Y/N makes me feel like a kid again. I know I can share my knowledge with her and she actually encourages me to do it quite often. But she also makes me feel like I can be goofy and silly and just have fun. I had almost forgotten what that feels like.

After we each curl up on our end of the couch with blankets and pillows, I can't help but realize how happy I have been having her as a friend in my life. Something about this realization pulls my mind in the opposite direction, and I suddenly find myself remembering why happiness feels like such a long forgotten stranger...Maeve. The name had not crossed my thoughts in weeks. This realization leaves me with a guilt that sits like a pit in my stomach. Before I know it, I am no longer focused on my favorite Harry Potter movie, but am spiraling into a dark hole once again. I lose myself so far into my thoughts that I almost don't notice that Y/N has stopped the movie and is staring straight at me.

I turn to her. "What is it?"

Y/N furrows her brow, a deep look of concern filling her eyes.

"Spencer, you're crying."

"I am?" I reach up to feel the wet streaks left behind on my cheek. I hadn't even realized. Now not only have I been crying in front of Y/N, but she knows something is wrong. Knowing her, she won't let this go so easily. I also doubt she'll buy any lie I try to feed her. She may not be a profiler, but she sure knows when someone she cares about isn't being genuine with her.

Luckily, she must also know me better than I realize. She doesn't push me too hard for information. She scoots over to my side of the couch before laying a hand on my shoulder. I keep my eyes glued to my lap, avoiding eye contact as best I can. I'm afraid that if I look into her eyes now, I'll completely fall apart. Something about telling your friends about your trauma makes it very real, and I don't want to relive that day, not again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure..." I answer honestly.

Instead of pushing me, she moves her hand to rub my back as we sit there in silence. Something about the kindness of this gesture finally breaks me. I let my head fall into my hands as tears start streaming down my face, and I don't even bother trying to stop them. I can't hold this back anymore, not from someone who's become like a best friend to me.

We sit there just like that for several minutes, Y/N silently rubbing my back, me crying like a big baby. Part of me feels embarrassed, breaking down like this, but the other part is too tired from holding all of this back to even care anymore.

Finally, I think my body has run out of tears when I hear Y/N say "What can I do? What do you need?" It's so quiet I almost miss it.

"Her name was Maeve." I am surprised to hear the words leave my mouth. I glance over to Y/N to gauge her reaction, but she's only sitting there, listening patiently.

"I started getting these headaches. They became so crippling that they started affecting my work. It scared me because...well my mom is schizophrenic. I guess I have always been a little paranoid about showing symptoms. The doctors ran tests, labs, scans...everything they could think of. As a last resort I reached out to this geneticist. After a bit of correspondence, it wasn't difficult to see that she was brilliant. She seemed to enjoy keeping in touch, so we would write one another letters. We eventually started calling one another. But...she had a stalker. She didn't know who it was or what they wanted, but she was scared. That's why we wrote letters. And I only ever called her from telephone booths, never the same one twice. I ended up sharing a large part of my life with her... One time before hanging up the phone she even said "love you" like it was the most normal thing in the world. I never said it back, but even if what I felt was love I never got the chance to say it to her. Her stalker was a former grad student, and she got to Maeve before I could."

I stop and take in a deep breath, swallowing the growing lump in my throat before continuing.

" She shot herself in front of me, killing Maeve along with her. It was the first time I had ever seen her in person too. It happened a couple months ago. Every time I think i've moved on it feels like the pain starts all over again. I sometimes feel guilty for even trying to move on, for ever being happy."

Y/N doesn't say a word as she lets me speak. She just nods, taking in every word. After a couple minutes of silence, she lets out a large breath before finally opening her mouth to speak.

"Spencer, I can't pretend to even come close to understanding what you are going through. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could tell you when the pain will go away, but the truth is it will probably never fully leave you. Trauma has a way of sticking with us. We learn how to process it and cope with it more efficiently, but it's never truly gone. Now I can't pretend to know what Maeve would have wanted for you, but as your friend who's with you now I want to tell you its okay to be happy. Its also okay to not be okay sometimes. No one has it together all of the time. It's ok to talk about it, to cry about it, and there's no right or wrong time. Trauma has a way of sneaking up on us, triggering us when we least expect it. And whatever you need to be ok, whatever you need to do in order to deal with this, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. You can always call me if you need to talk or come over. Even if you just need a distraction from it, if you find yourself slipping into a dark place, you can call me, and we will talk about literally anything else or go find somewhere to grab dessert or watch a movie. If you need someone to just sit with you, I'll be there. What I'm trying to say is whenever you're ready, just tell me what you need and I'll be there for you."

I feel like I could cry again, but luckily I don't. Instead, I turn on the couch to face Y/N and just pull her in for a hug, resting my head on her shoulder. This alone is all I need to at least be okay, even if just for tonight. As someone who lives alone, my only real family living across the US, no one ever really knows just how much I crave touch. It's not exactly like I can just approach JJ, Garcia, or Morgan and say "Hey I could really use a hug today." It's a love language for me, but I go weeks without touching a single person. It wears me down sometimes. Sitting here, hugging Y/N, is the most comforted I have felt in a really long time.

I want to tell her the other reason I'm struggling. About the cravings I have to battle when things are already emotionally challenging. I decide I'm not ready to share that quite yet. It's not that i don't trust her, but if it's going to affect the way she sees me, I want to put that off as long as possible.

I also take a minute to go over the words she's said to me. I can't help but notice her tone, her body language, the look on her face. She may be great at comforting people, especially since it's part of her job, but those were the words of someone who knew. She spoke from a place of fully understanding trauma, which tells me one thing: She has had trauma of her own. I make a mental note to bring it up later. I don't want to push her, but I want to make sure she knows she has the same support from me incase she ever needs to talk.

We sit there for a few more minutes, her arms wrapped around me. My breathing eventually slows down as I try to get my sniffles under control. I feel my head start to pound from how hard I have been crying. I sit back to rub my hands into my temples. Y/N stands up and makes her way into the kitchen, returning a couple minutes later with a cold water bottle, a box of tissues, and some aspirin.

She starts to walk out of the room before turning to me.

"I think I've got something that might help you feel a little better. It can't heal with heartbreak, but maybe it can help you to relax and take your mind off everything, if even for a little while."

"Y/N, you take care of people all day at work you don't have to..,"

"Hey!" She cuts me off before I can finish. "Why do you think I became a nurse huh? I enjoy taking care of people. And if I can help, even just a little, I won't feel so completely useless in this situation."

"Y/N, you've already helped. Just listening, being here with me. But I guess its no use arguing with you, you're too stubborn." A small breathy laugh leaves my nose and I glance up to see a small smile before she steps out of the room.

She returns a few minutes later and doesn't say a word. Instead she grabs both my hands and pulls me off the couch, leading me into the guest bathroom.

A take a look around at everything she had gotten ready.

"A bubble bath?" I shoot her a look of uncertainty.

"Just trust me okay." She rolls her eyes playfully. "I'll be in the living room. Just shout if you need me okay?"

I decide to just go with it. She leaves, shutting the door behind her and flipping of the lights. The room is suddenly glowing in light from candles scattered all around the bathroom. After slipping into the bath, I tense up at how hot the water is before it finally relaxes all my muscles. Breathing in, I notice the smell of eucalyptus and lavender filling the air. There is also a bluetooth speaker in the corner, softly playing zen spa music with the trickle of a rain in the background.

I have to admit, this is the most relaxed I have felt in...well I can't remember ever feeling this relaxed. Baths always seemed a bit girly, but this was incredibly therapeutic. I may have to try this again after my next difficult case.

When I finally decide to get out, I realize I'll have to change back into the same clothes. I quickly realize Y/N had also laid out a  star wars t shirt and black sweatpants for me. She thought of everything. With her being on the taller side and enjoying baggy clothes, they actually fit me fairly well.

When I finally step back into the living room she looks up at me and grins.

"Looking good Dr. Reid!"

She never calls me that, and for some reason it makes me blush just slightly. She pats the spot next to her on the couch, signaling for me to come over.

"Well, how do you feel?"

"Umm I wasn't sure about the whole bath thing but... I feel fantastic actually! How did you know that would help?"

"When you do what I do, you have to find multiple ways to unwind" she laughs.

I glance down at the shirt I'm wearing.

"So Star Wars huh?"

Y/N smirks "Are you really that surprised?"

I answer with a laugh "No I suppose not."

"Well I hope you like them too, because that's what I had lined up when it was my turn to pick for movie night!"

I can't help but hide a giant grin. I was happy to hear she wanted to continue our movie nights. Between all the Harry Potter movies and Star Wars movies combined, it seemed like we'd be spending a lot more time together.

"Is it okay if we finish the movie?" I am hoping I didn't completely ruin the night with my breakdown.

"I thought you'd never ask" she smiles before turning to the TV and resuming the movie.

As I watch the characters making their way into the shrieking shack, I feel my eyes grow heavy. I guess I had gotten a little too relaxed, as I am now struggling to stay awake through the rest of the movie.

When I open my eyes I notice the room is no longer glowing from the light of the TV but from the daylight streaming in through the windows. I realize i'm stretched across Y'N's couch, under one of her many fuzzy blankets. I sit up and look around, noticing Y/N is no longer there. After checking her kitchen and bedroom, I start to worry. Before I start to call her on the phone, I notice movement outside the window. I make my way onto the patio balcony to see her sitting on her bench with a book in her hands. At the sound of the door, she looks up and meets my gaze, smiling as she closes her book.

"Good morning sunshine" she says laughing just a bit.

"What happened?" I ask, joining her on the bench outside, running my hands through my hair as I attempt to fully wake up.

"Well, after awhile I noticed you fell asleep. I really thought it would be best to just let you get your rest."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..." I start before she cuts me off.

"Its no problem! Not last night and not any other time. You are always welcome here." She gives me a warm, genuine smile. I know this is a sincere offer, one I'm sure I will take her up on again.

[mental-health-advice]

So I noticed one of my mental parts (unsure about using the term "alter" as we have no full diagnosis) sent something here a while back. He tagged it as 🔧. I thought I might go into some stuff that happened? Although I can't recall a whole lot. There have been more issues at home and valounteer work, one day almost pushing me to a s**cide attempt but I got kicked out for the day. Things didn't get any better from there. I dont remember anything until my birthday in mid October where I had a meltdown and was sent to a mental hospital and had to do my best to not be kept there. Almost everyone forgot about my birthday that day too. Since more stuff happened with a close friend who one of our littles felt safe around and, without her knowing, actually coming out in front of her to cuddle. Said friend foesnr know about the parts... tbf I cant call her friend anymore. She straight up told me she hasn't seen me as such for a long time a few days ago and I feel lied to and betrayed and honestly am hurt more than if she had been honest from the start. I don't remember most stuff that was more so contributing to me wanting to go dormant or "lock myself inside" because my brain most likely locked it away from me. I just know I don't want to be here any longer but can't put anyone through me literally dying. So... closest thing I got ig? I also cant go to therapy for a while because my co worker caught covid so that's wonderful.

Off topic from this, I've been feeling like I've been faking my parts or dissociative symptoms?? Because the parts were gone for a bit (the one who sent smth here was indeed cocon during my birthday thing... doing his job and trying to calm me down). Since mid October until a few days ago I haven't heard from any of the parts and they only really came back after the fallout with that one friend. Especially the littles, as I had felt horrible and cried a lot so they'd be out since they're usually pretty happy kids when they're out at least. However communication between the parts and me has worsened. Primary protector and primary caretaker I still haven't heard from. The teen persecutor(?) as well. Only the secondary protector /caretaker 🔧 and the two littles (about 3 & 5-7 yo) which makes me even more worried I'm faking. Or maybe they're mad at me... who knows...

-🌺🦚

(Note; I usually wouldn't share the littles information. But as this is anonymous and it's only their ages without any further context about them I am hoping it's safe/okay)

Hey there,

Wow it sounds like you and your other parts have been through quite a lot recently. I am so sorry that you ended up in hospital on your birthday and that because of this almost everyone forgot about your birthday – that must have been a really hard time for you!

I know of a few people that have different parts that come out when they are needed (like for you) and it is normal to not hear from them in a while. Their job is to help protect you and keep yourself safe when you are not able to or if you just need a break from everything. I know how scary it can be not being able to remember things for a period of time, but when you are strong enough to remember those things then the memories should come back to you in time. What’s most important is your safety and that you get through all of this alive!

It must also be tough not being able to seek therapy at the moment due to being in quarantine for covid-19 but is it at all possible to contact your therapist via a phone call (if you have one currently) I also know that a lot of therapy places may offer support and help on skype or other media platforms like that, so this something you could look into and especially in the short-term? I also want you to know that you can also always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling. I know it’s not the same as seeing a therapist who specialises in what you are going through but it’s someone you can talk to at least in a safe environment. Just something to keep in mind!

From what you have told me and what your other parts have sent in, I do not think you are faking your symptoms or your other parts at all. Like I mentioned above they will most likely only come out when and only if they are really needed to help keep you safe and it can also take a really long time to be able to have better communication with them as they will not be likely to want to overwhelm you with everything if that makes sense. So please don’t be too hard on yourself, you are already going through so much!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing OK!

Take care

Lauren

[sweetmusingss]

"Please try not to stress too much about it because it is just going to make your symptoms feel worse. It is rare for it to stick around for a few weeks. As you probably know though, lupus makes you more susceptible to inflammation around your lungs and that is what happened. You got it because of your lupus but I assure you that you will be under the best care here. With your permission, I'd like to perform a thoracentesis on you. I would insert a needle through your chest and it will help drain out that fluid quicker so that you can get to feeling better faster," I say, wanting to get you the best treatment. 

Seb nods, having learned so much about lupus over the past years that he was surprised he forgot that detail. "It's just not a word I've ever heard before... I haven't had a flare up in a little under a year. I thought I was in the clear, kind of. Dumb of me to be that hopeful right?" Seb laughs a bit humorlessly, sighing and just leaning back against the pillows again, a bit frustrated with his own body. "I trust you. You can do whatever tests and procedures you want.." You were so pretty and normally he'd be flirting with someone who looked like you, but this was the worst place to flirt. Especially when he was the sick one, talk about looking pathetic.

__

Even though it had been a month since Emma had met you, she hadn't forgotten about you at all. She found herself thinking about you often and the way that she felt when she was with you. She had even put your number inside of a drawer in her room, not wanting to lose it but being too afraid to use it. However, before she could stop herself, she was typing out a text to you. She had an awful and frustrating day at work and she needed the feeling she had the night she first met you back. 'hi, i highly doubt you remember me but this is emma. we met about a month ago. my best friend is the mayor and you talked to me while she celebrated her bachelorette party. anyways, i was wondering if maybe we could meet up? i'd really love to spend tonight with you.' She bites hard into her lower lip after sending the text. This wasn't like her at all and she knew she'd have to get a hotel room if you said yes so no one would find out but she also felt eager to see you again.

I was about to leave the back room and go back onto the floor before I heard my phone go off in my bag and I walk back over to it. I furrow my brows at the unknown number, opening my phone and quickly a giant smile spreads on my face at the text. Finally! "emma, of course i remember you. how could i forget the prettiest girl i've ever met? i'd love nothing more than to spend the night with you. where should i meet you, beautiful?" I felt butterflies exploding in my stomach, having searched for this feeling for so long, so excited and eager to see Emma again.

[psi-psina]

Hi. :) You don't know be but I've been following you for a little while now and since I saw your posts talking about Graves Disease I wanted to ask you about it. I'm a 19 yr old girl, and I was diagnosed with it a few months ago and started on PTU. I wanted to ask, what was your experience with doctors and medication like? You had to have your thyroid removed? I feel worried about how this is supposed to be managed long-term because my doctors can be quite dismissive. If you don't mind. :)

OH MY GOD

DEAR ANON PLEASE HEED THE FOLLOWING LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES

So this is my experience and for the LOVE OF GOD don’t let this happen to you.

I was diagnosed with graves disease at the age of 14, showing symptoms of fatigue, tremors in my hands, exophthalmos and a slight goitre. I was tested for sleep apnea before i was diagnosed. Once diagnosed, my mother took me to a naturopath rather than an endocrinologist (i was a child, i had no control over the situation PLEASE DON’T DO ANYTHING THIS STUPID) 😩. It didn’t go well. I was given a tincture of iodine and various herbs (including licorice :/), which i had to take for about 3 months. it did nothing for me and my symptoms steadily got worse until my mother had to take me back to the doctor. My blood work showed a significant worsening of my condition; my T3 & T4 were both far higher than they had been before.

I was put on Neo-Mercazole which I remained on periodically over the next 9 years. You cannot remain on thyroid suppressants indefinitely due to their nature and bastard side effects (expelling giant blood clots through your nose? horrific), which got gradually worse the longer I had to take them. I don’t know how your doctors are managing your PTU but be vigilant. You NEED to aim at getting in remission. I was monitored closely while taking NM over that first course, and then as my hormone levels returned to normal I was weened off it. I was okay for 2 years, and then relapsed when I was 17. I was put back on NM and monitored until my levels returned to “normal”, then I relapsed again when I was 20.

after this I remained on NM pretty much for the following 3 years, but it’s effectiveness started to wane and many of the diffuse symptoms (especially anxiety, palpitations, insomnia, tremors, goitre, exophthalmos etc) simply weren’t going away even when my blood work showed I was within a supposedly normal hormonal range, and I just slowly went downhill over those 3 years.

this is huge problem with regulating thyroid disorders like this, your hormones are measured only in your blood work but T3 and T4 are heavily protein-bound hormones, meaning it’s presence in your blood IS NOT always consistent with it’s presence in your other tissues, where it is able to accumulate (not indefinitely without detection, but enough to give you symptoms). Suppressants just didn’t work for me long-term. They couldn’t help my thyroid regulate my metabolism over an extended period of time, the thyroxine in my body just kept accumulating. Basically, the moment I relapsed when I was 17, I was fucked. I was not aware of this at the time, obviously. At the time I had absolutely no idea what was going on.

the events at the end of my Final Relapse that led up to my surgery were serendipitous and bizarre. I was travelling to Japan in the October (2013) for a few weeks (which i flat out should not have been doing lmao) and got an appointment with my doc because i needed to fill another script for NM before I left, because i was about to run out. So i went and got the script and then when I went to fill it at the pharmacy, I couldn’t get the NM. There was an international shortage of Neo-Mercazole and I was flying out of the country the literal next day and I couldn’t get any ANYWHERE. PTU was still available but I couldn’t get that with a script for NM either. So I had no medication for most of those three weeks.

When I got home I booked another appointment as soon as I could get one and went back to work. Got another blood test to see what was going on and finally got some PTU. A couple of days later I came down with a cold. My immune system was shot and I was struggling to do things like get out of bed and walk up stairs at this point so I called in sick to work on the monday because felt so ill, and made another doc appt for that afternoon because i needed a medical certificate.

I went in to the doctor expecting to walk out with a med certificate, and asked her about my bloodwork. She opened the bloodwork and looked at it, looked at me, then took my temperature and pulse and immediately called my endocrinologist. My T3 and T4 levels were so high they were not measurable, i was feverish and hazy and my resting heart rate was 160-170 bpm. She told me I needed to go straight to emergency because I was at risk of thyroid storm (at which point I just burst into tears lol) and she called ahead to the hospital to have me admitted immediately, and that was that. I was taken to the hospital and was monitored there for 4 days and given several medications to try to flush some of the excess thyroxine from my body to make it safe enough for them to cut my thyroid out, which happened four weeks later.

So aside from the more diffuse symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, full body tremors, exhaustion, goitre and exophthalmos, I was admitted in emergency with acute symptoms like fever, tachycardia, chest pain, hypertension, muscle weakness, bloody diarrhea, peripheral edema and fuck knows what else. :/ None of these things really abated over the weeks leading up to the surgery, and I honestly can’t describe what it was like to wake up from it almost asymptomatic after dealing with these things for months and years. It was like waking up in a completely different body.

If you’re wondering how I could have let things get that bad, how i didn’t realise just how serious it was, you need to understand. You need to understand how gradually all of this happens, it built up over a period of years, and when you live with a chronic illness for that long you literally just get used to feeling like shit, so if something else shitty starts happening you’re already so tired it hardly even registers. It doesn’t strike you as particularly abnormal because it all becomes normal. That’s the most dangerous thing about it. Not to mention, the sicker you get with Graves, the less capable you are of assessing your own situation; the anxiety and exhaustion and insomnia and horrible hazy brain fog you’re in every single day make it completely impossible to think clearly.

SO THE MORAL OF THIS IS, for the love of God, be careful, and take it seriously. It is extremely serious. I did not take it seriously enough for years because I was young, active and otherwise healthy which gave me a threshold for tolerating it that was far too high. Don’t dismiss your symptoms, don’t let your doctors dismiss your symptoms, ESPECIALLY the mental symptoms. Be aware of all possible and potential symptoms so you can actually recognise them for what they are, along with all the potential side effects of PTU. 

Get blood work done EVERY THREE MONTHS. THREE MONTHS, not six, not twelve, every three months. Other thyroid disorders, you might be able to be a bit more chill about, graves you fucking cannot. You cannot.

Read and get as much information about this as you can. Heed how your diet is going to effect this, because like any endocrine disorder, it will.

Elaine Moore is useful. (Read the forums) This is useful. Reading patient forums about people’s experience with it and how they manage it is invaluable, it’s far better than reading blogs that are usually dogmatic and trying to sell you stuff. patient.info is also a good resource for information.

Make sure you have a good GP and ESPECIALLY a good endocrinologist who works WITH you. Most endo’s DO NOT specialise in thyroid disorders, most of them specialise in diabetes and only have a middling knowledge of thyroid issues. It’s absolutely crucial to find an endo who specialises in thyroid disorders. Find one, if you can. Otherwise just crowd source the information yourself, print it and take it to your doctors yourself. Because honestly, the cost of not doing that is just....not worth it.

This isn’t supposed to scare you or anything, it’s a god damn burden but there are plenty of people with Graves who achieve remission or find ways to manage it over long periods of time, it’s a highly individual disease. So I really hope you are able to do that. :) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.